Ease Up!

Posted on April 11, 2013 by lifehappenswhen

I have incredibly high expectations for myself. It’s not that I actually follow through on these high expectations, but I have them nonetheless.

Though I’ve been a mother for nearly 4 and a half years, I’ve only been at home full time with my children for about a year and a half. When I came to the clear realization that it was time to leave my job and stay home, I really thought I knew what I was taking on. After all, for three years prior, I’d worked full time outside the home and taken care of the kids and the house.

What I quickly learned was that mothering small children full time is just as exhausting as being on my feet all day long teaching or traveling around the city giving presentations. Even though I seemed to have endless hours before me each day, I never seemed to get anything accomplished.

It’s not as though taking care of little kids is challenging. Feed them, change them, play with them, feed them again, change them again, and so on. But the monotony of that routine IS overwhelming in a way I can’t totally explain. I know there are lots of mothers with small children who think I’m crazy when I admit that, but I hope there are a few who relate.

What finally dawned on me recently (I’m a slow learner) is that with this new gig of mine, I don’t have a boss or a schedule or any expectations, really, except my own. I have talked many times with my husband about what he “expects,” but he always waves me off, saying I’m doing fine.

I tell my sister all of this and she waves me off and says I’m doing fine.

But I don’t feel like I’m doing fine.

The house always seems to be a mess. I don’t feel like I’m “engaging” my kids the way I’m supposed to. I let them watch more T.V. than I probably should. The laundry pile is always overflowing and I always forget about that last load in the dryer.

I hate going to bed at night knowing the house is dirty, but I’m just too tired to do anything about it. And then I think, “How exactly am I tired? I didn’t DO anything all day!”

So, in the interest of full disclosure, I’m also lazy. Being home all day long actually makes me even lazier, which I couldn’t have predicted a year and a half ago, but seems crystal clear to me now.

I’ve recently made some minor changes in our routine, which has helped a little. And I’ve learned that I actually DO need a schedule, despite the naysayers out there. At first, I tried a detailed schedule that is organized and beautiful. It didn’t work.

Then, I realized that while I don’t need a minute by minute schedule, I DO need to tell myself that by 8:00 I WILL be dressed and so will the kids. I DO need to tell myself that sometime in the mornings I MUST do at least one “chore” around the house. And sometime during that day I NEED to do an activity with the kids.

With this mentality (and following through on it), I feel like I’m actually doing a decent job as mother and keeper of our home.

As for the house (aside from my daily chores), I targeted the kitchen as the biggest thorn in my side. With all the extra cooking I do these days, it seems like I’m always in there. Many times, I end up leaving the mess because I’m so tired from cooking. But a funny thing happens when you leave everything a mess after breakfast. Lunch rolls around and you’re cooking in a dirty kitchen. Suddenly, the dishes are piled sky high.

I have started making a very conscious effort to clean the entire kitchen up after each meal. This includes sweeping the floor because the crumbs only multiply if I don’t.

At night, I take great care to wipe down the countertops and clean out the sink. With my kitchen spotless, I feel a lot better about life.

I figured out that other than my kitchen disaster zone, everything else cleans up fairly quickly. But more than that, it’s okay if the house is a little messy each day. Usually, it’s toys in the playroom or books scattered across the floor.

I’ve been tempted to buy a sign that says, “Please excuse the mess, my children are making memories.” More for my own sake than any visitor we might have through the day.

While it is certainly important to keep up with the house, it’s also necessary to realize that there are more important things.

I don’t think it’s bad to have high expectations, but sometimes it’s equally important to cut ourselves some slack. At the end of the day, the only thing that really matters are the precious little lives sleeping sweetly in their rooms.

Life happens when we ease up!

Content Where We Are

Posted on March 11, 2013 by lifehappenswhen

I tend to get really antsy about things.

When it’s summer, I’m so hot and irritable that I can’t wait until the cool air breezes in. When it’s the dead of winter, I dream about the warm sun on my face.

When I sit in my house, sometimes the walls close in on me. Other times I long for the tiny apartment I grew up in. I mean how hard was it to keep a two bedroom apartment clean?

I’ve been a stay-at-home mom for about a year and a half. I still don’t have a routine. I still float through most days. I still wonder how other moms manage to keep up with a cleaning schedule and active children underfoot, let alone do really fun things with their kids. I worry my way through most days about our finances, but not enough to pull my kids out of preschool or stop eating out or cancel play dates.

Last April, I was so overwhelmed by my new role in life that I actually called the school district to see if I could come back from my extended childcare leave a year early.

I know, right!?! I was a wee bit crazy, but at that point in time, going back to a somewhat unsafe, somewhat unstable school seemed easier than dealing with a consistently dirty house, an inquisitive and energetic three year old, a cranky, shrieky 1 year old, and all the other duties that come with a life at home.

As irony or luck or the will of God would have it, I’d missed the transfer deadline by a day.

Though I’m more at peace with this season of life than I was in April, I still get antsy every now and then.

Am I supposed to be at home right now? Is this what it’s supposed to feel like? Am I doing it wrong?

Should I go back to work? Should I go back to teaching? If so, when should that be? If I don’t go back to work, how will we afford tuition for the kids?

By the time the day’s over, I’m so overwhelmed about what should or shouldn’t be that I’ve missed the beauty of the very day in front of me.

I tuck my little ones in bed and they wake up a day older.

A few things have happened over the last couple of weeks that have reminded me to embrace this moment just as it is, to be content right where I am.

I sat in the playroom the other day and it suddenly dawned on me that my sweet Caroline is a big girl. She’s really not a baby anymore. She carries on conversations. She throws fewer tantrums. She plays so nicely. She sits on the potty. She runs. She’s nearly 2.

This revelation brought unexpected tears to my eyes. I wept and grieved for my baby. Where did the time go? I feel like I missed so much even though I was right here the whole time.

And then, a young college student was killed in a freak car accident. I didn’t know this girl, but my family knows the girl’s mother. The incident reminded me of the preciousness of life. It reminded me that tomorrow is not a guarantee. That this time at home with my kids is fleeting. Does it really matter if there are cobwebs on the ceiling in the dining room? Does it matter if the kitchen floor didn’t get mopped last night? Really? In the grand scheme of life, is a ~~spotless~~ (Oh, who am I kidding? My house will never be spotless. Let’s go with clean) clean home the most important thing?

And as I (once again) pondered whether or not I should go back to work, I heard on the news that a former student of mine was arrested for bringing a gun to the school where I used to work.

It’s like God knew just how to put me back in my place. He keeps reminding me over and over again that my place right now is at home with my kids. I better figure out how to accept it, embrace it, even.

It’s so easy to look ahead, make plans, jump ahead to that next season, wonder about that green grass that just looks so scrumptious on the other side.

But all we have is right here in front of us, right now. And to quote that ridiculous Justin Bieber song, “The grass ain’t always greener on the other side, it’s green where you water it.”

Amen, Justin Bieber (and Big Sean), amen.

Life might not be exactly what we wanted it to be in this moment. We might be waiting on this or that for our life to begin. We might be worried about worldly things. We might be struggling with our job or the lack of one. We might frustrated by our lot in life. We might be coming to terms God’s will for us right now.

It’s okay to struggle. It’s okay to resist the life we’ve been given. But in the end, we have to find an element of peace. We have to make the most of what we have right now. We have to water the very grass in front of us.

The seasons change in due time, but today is all we’ve got.

Life happens when we’re content right where we are.

Give Until It Hurts

Posted on March 7, 2013 by lifehappenswhen

I mentioned at the beginning of Lent that I would be reading the book, “Bringing Lent Home with Mother Teresa” by Donna-Marie Cooper O’Boyle.

The book is a devotional that carries you through each day of Lent. Each day consists of a quote from Mother Teresa, a reflection for parents, a family prayer (my kids are still too little, so I just do this by myself), a story from Mother Teresa’s life, a suggestion for fasting and almsgiving (that are geared toward older kids, but are easily adaptable for adults), a final prayer, and a thought to carry you through the day.

It sounds like a lot, but it’s really a quick read. I have been reading it alone, but my sister has been reading it with her kids ages 13, 11, and 6. We’ve all benefited greatly from this book.

While it is a quick read, it is far from “easy.” If you know even a tiny bit about Mother Teresa, you know what a humble, generous, loving, devout person she was. This book challenges us to be like her.

I have found this book at once fascinating (I LOVE Mother Teresa) and terrifying. It has really turned my faith and my life upside down.

And though my kids are too young to read this book with me, I’ve been astounded by all the ways I’ve been able to take what I learned and teach it to them.

The first Tuesday of Lent, the quote from Mother Teresa was this:

“We must give until it hurts. For love to be true it has to hurt. It hurt Jesus to love us; it hurt God to love us because He had to give. He gave His Son. This is the meaning of true love, to give until it hurts.”

Ouch.

The story from her life talked about how it bothered her that too often people only gave out of their extra or what they had leftover. They didn’t feel any sense of sacrifice when they gave. She told the story of meeting a beggar who wanted to donate money to the poor. He gave her a small amount of change that didn’t amount to anything, but it was all he had. Mother Teresa was torn because she didn’t want to take the only money he had for food, but she decided to accept it anyway. The man was overjoyed at being able to give. Even though he didn’t give very much at all, it was worth so much more because he gave out of love and sacrifice.

When I read that story, I immediately thought of the widow from the Gospel:

Jesus looked around and saw rich people dropping their gifts in the Temple treasury, and he also saw a very poor widow dropping in two little copper coins. He said, “I tell you that this poor widow put in more than all the others. For the others offered their gifts from what they had to spare of their riches; but she, poor as she is, gave all she had to live on.” -Luke 21: 1-4.

Obviously, this gave me a great deal to ponder. My family has most certainly been blessed. While we strive to be generous, we are often guilty of giving out of our surplus. This day’s devotion challenged me to be generous out of love and sacrifice, not out of duty or guilt.

I didn’t realize that very day I’d have the opportunity to teach Lucas a very difficult, but relevant lesson.

We are also doing “40 Days of Food” during Lent. We have a designated box and each day, Lucas and I place a non-perishable food item in it. I let Lucas pick (with some help) a food item out of our pantry to put in the box.

This particular day, I gave him three boxes of macaroni and cheese (each different flavors) to choose from. He looked at his choices and immediately burst into tears. He didn’t want to give any of them away.

It took me awhile to realize the source of his tears. You see, we’ve been slowly eliminating processed foods from our diet and our pantry. I hadn’t made a box of mac and cheese in weeks (maybe months). These boxes were Annie’s Organic brand, which are still processed, but not quite as much as the regular kinds. I usually reserve this mac and cheese for special occasions or nights when I’m totally wiped out.

Lucas didn’t want to give away any of these precious boxes of macaroni and cheese. He loved them too much. It hurt him deeply that I even suggest we give one of the boxes away.

As I hugged and consoled him, I knew this teachable moment was a gift from God. Once he calmed down, I explained to him that somewhere out there is a little boy who is very hungry. He isn’t as lucky as we are to have a whole pantry filled with food. He doesn’t have any food at all.

We could give him some green beans or a can of soup, but wouldn’t it be so nice to give this little boy one of our boxes of macaroni and cheese? That way he could fill his belly up with something yummy that he would really love, too?

At first, this didn’t satisfy Lucas. In fact, he clung to those boxes of mac and cheese even tighter.

I continued by telling him that God really loves it when we are kind to others by giving them food when they don’t have any (which he already knew). I added that God loves it even more when we give something that we really like to someone who needs it more than we do. Sometimes it hurts to give and be kind to others, but that’s how we show God we love Him.

Lucas pondered it for a moment more, but he finally placed one of the boxes of mac and cheese in our collection box. I wiped his tears and told him how proud I was of him.

I watched a tiny smile cross his face. He said, “I know someone else who is proud of me.”

“Who?” I asked.

“God.”

He ran off to play. When he wasn’t looking, I wiped away my own tears. My 4 year old had simultaneously made my heart ache as I watched him learn a tough lesson and filled my heart with pride as he handled the situation with more grace than I often do. The macaroni and cheese was never mentioned again, but I think about it every time we place a new item in the box.

And I may have made him macaroni and cheese that same week.

Whether we’ve been blessed with a lot or we struggle to make ends meet, we are called to be generous to others. There is always someone less fortunate. There is always someone who needs something more than we do- be it money, food, or clothes. There is always someone who would be blessed so much more by something we have.

When you find yourself giving from your surplus or reluctant to give at all, think of the beggar that Mother Teresa encountered who was so joyful as he gave away all his food money. Think of the woman from the Gospel who gave everything she had. And think about my little 4 year old who gave his beloved macaroni and cheese.

Be more generous than you planned. Give away that item you aren’t quite ready to part with. Give deeply. Give more. Give with all you have.

Life happens when we give until it hurts.

Time Together, Time Away

Posted on March 4, 2013 by lifehappenswhen

Yesterday afternoon, Mike and Lucas headed down to the lake for some daddy/son time together. We were all supposed to go, but then I remembered I had a doctor’s appointment early Monday morning.

I told Mike he could still go either by himself or with Lucas.

“I’d love to take my boy with me,” he said. So sweet! As I’ve mentioned over and over and over again, Mike’s been working a pretty difficult schedule the last 6 months or so. I think some time together with just his daddy is exactly what Lucas needs. I’m pretty certain Mike needs a healthy dose of time with Lucas, too. They spent the day there yesterday and will be home later tonight.

Lucas was so excited he could hardly fall asleep Saturday night. He could hardly sit tight through church Sunday morning. He scarfed down his lunch so fast and cleaned his entire plate (which was filled with lots of carrots, blueberries, and strawberries!). He’s normally the slowest eater on earth. As soon as he finished his lunch, he put on his backpack and shoes and waited patiently (sort of) for Mike. So cute!

The lake house isn’t as fully stocked as it is in the summer so at the last minute I packed some food for Lucas. Given the new journey I’m on, I wanted to make sure he got at least a little bit of non-processed food in him.

I’m sure the boys will stuff their faces with ice cream, McDonald’s, and more I don’t want to know about. I’m okay with it, too. It really doesn’t happen very often anymore. And as Lucas told me, “Mom, it is a special occasion.” Yes, sir. It is.

That left just the girls together at home. I am downright amazed at how differently Caroline played without Lucas around. She entertained herself for over an hour while I got the kitchen cleaned and some laundry folded (and put away!). She never asked for a snack or to eat (which she normally does every 10 minutes) and she never asked to watch a show (which she also normally does every 10 minutes).

She circled around the playroom like she owned the place. I guess she did, without her big brother to get in her way! Our time together, just the two of us has been really easy and it’s reminded me why I often think it was so much easier when Lucas was this age. It was! I only had one!

I didn’t realize it, but I really needed this special time with Caroline, too. She so rarely gets one on one time with me, and I think she needed it, as well. Either Lucas is always with us or we’re out running errands. It was so nice to be at home together all day long, just the two of us!

She had me laughing and crying and melting at all the things she said and did. She’s really getting big!

It’s certainly nice to be together as a family, and no doubt we need time together. But it’s also great to spend some special one on one time with each kid. I’ve thought a lot about it lately, and I think Mike and I need to do this again, but switch kids! I know Caroline would love some time with her daddy, and I’d love to take my little man out on a date!

Is there someone who might enjoy some special time with you? Your husband or significant other? One of your children? A good friend? Pencil them in sometime this week. Just the two of you!

Life happens when we spend time together.

A Day Off

Posted on February 28, 2013 by lifehappenswhen

This past week, the local public school system has been on a winter break. They don’t ordinarily earn almost a full week off, but the district built in some make up days. Since the kids have only gotten one snow day this year, they only had to go to school Monday to make it up.

My mom, who teaches in the district, asked if she could have the kids last night and today.

On one of her days off, she gave me the greatest gift ever- my own day off!

I love my mom!

Last night, I could have gotten the house in order. I could have ran some errands. I could have done a great many things. Instead, I did nothing. I took a break. It was downright glorious.

I do have several errands to run today, but it is SO much easier to do anything sans kids.

I love this sweet face so much it hurts:

And this one, too:

But, sometimes momma needs a break!

That got me thinking. Sometimes we need a physical break- a day off from work, a day away from the kids, a vacation, even. Sometimes we need a mental break- a day away from worries and fear. My mom always calls those “mental health” days! Sometimes we need a break from a group we belong to. Sometimes we need some time away from a person who is bringing us down.

Sometimes we are lucky enough to get a whole day (and night) away! Sometimes all we can find is a simple 10 minutes. However and whenever we can find the time, we need to do so. It’s vital to our spirit!

Is there something you need to step away from, even if only for a day? Try to carve some time to do so sometime soon.

Life happens when we take the day off!

The Years Go By In A Flash

Posted on January 24, 2013 by lifehappenswhen

I always wanted to be a mother. In my hopes and dreams, motherhood was filled with rainbows and sunshine and happy little children making memories.

And you know what? My motherhood IS filled with rainbows and sunshine and happy little children making memories.

But you know what else? Motherhood is HARD. That’s the part I wasn’t prepared for.

I’ve been having an exceptionally hard time, lately. I’ve been hard on myself, hard on my kids. I’ve been a crazy, emotional mess.

What’s hardest is when I hear another mother raving about how much she enjoys this particular season of life- the one with little ones at home.

To be blunt, I don’t really enjoy this phase. It’s brutal. It’s exhausting. It’s an unrelenting cycle of waking up early, changing this one, wiping that one, screaming, feeding, entertaining, rocking, holding, clinging, crying, whining. It’s dealing with little ones who can’t fully express themselves, but fully expect me to understand them. It’s disciplining and shepherding, kissing ouchies, and wiping tears. It’s dividing my time and my heart, and coming up short every time.

It’s nights without sleep. It’s tending to stomach bugs, teething, ear infections, bloody noses, random viruses, and scary dreams. It’s days without any peace or quiet.

It’s constant messes. Everywhere. And never being able to get a handle on them.

It’s one long day after another, kind of like the movie, Groundhog Day. I have to wake up every morning and do it all over again until I get it right. Except I never get it right.

At the end of the day, I lay in bed and wonder, “Where did the time go? What did I do today? Why couldn’t I have been more patient with them? Will this ever get easier?” On the worst of nights, I cry myself to sleep. Other nights, I resolve to wake up tomorrow and do it better.

A few weeks ago, Mike and I were watching “How I Met Your Mother.” This has been our one consistent “date” for as long as the show has been on. This particular episode, Lily emotionally admitted to Ted that she sometimes fantasized about sneaking out in the middle of the night and leaving her family behind. Not because she didn’t love them, but because motherhood was hard.

I know Lily is a fictional character, but man did her words ever resonate with me. I couldn’t stop the tears from flowing.

Mike tapped my leg, and knowingly said, “You’ve been there, huh?”

I shook my head and cried harder. Tears of frustration. Sadness. Relief. Guilt. Because who wants to admit that?

Yep, I’ve fantasized about up and leaving all the things I ever wanted my entire life- a loving husband and wonderful children. Not because I don’t love them, but because motherhood is HARD.

Later that week, I got a surprise package in the mail. My friend, Dianna, sent me a book that I so very much wanted and needed (but more on that later). Along with the book was a handwritten note on a small index card.

In the note, she told me the following:

As the mother of many (she has FIVE), my best advice is this- “Stop and consider the wondrous works of God.” -Job 37:14

The days can be long, but the years go by in a flash.

Oh my, how the waterworks flowed! In fact, I still can’t think about Dianna’s note without crying.

How did she know I needed that? Perhaps because she’s been there. She is still there, but her oldest is in high school. Along the way, she’s gleaned some perspective that I don’t quite have.

That’s not the first time I’d ever heard that, and I’ve certainly learned how quickly the years pass by on my own. Wasn’t it just yesterday we were bringing home that squishy, squirmy, foreign little baby boy from the hospital?

But, her words were tender and kind. They encouraged me. They showed me that she understood. They admitted that motherhood is hard.

They also gently reminded me that my children are precious gifts from God, and my time with them is fleeting, even if it doesn’t always feel that way.

I wish I could tell you that things are different now, but they aren’t. The days are still long. The days are still hard.

But there is rarely a chaotic hour that passes when I don’t think about my dear friend’s note.

When I rock my sweet Caroline to sleep, I hold her just a little tighter. When Lucas lets me hold his hand, I squeeze it for dear life. When he begs me to play that ridiculous game I don’t enjoy, I play it anyway, just to humor him. When she walks up to me, arms raised high for the millionth time, I pick her up, smile, and kiss her sweet face.

I stop and remind myself over and over again as the day drags on that this moment will be gone in the blink of an eye. There will, in fact, be a time when my heart aches for this season long gone.

Motherhood is a beautiful, heart-wrenching, bittersweet mixture of happiness, laughter, anguish, and tears. Even in the moments when it’s hard, it’s still a dream come true.

Wherever you are on your mothering journey, my hope is that you’ll stop beating yourself up. I think we are all a little too hard on ourselves sometimes. I know from experience that mothering little ones is hard. I can only imagine what mothering might be like in future seasons. I’m sure it gets easier in the physical sense, but the emotional one, not so much.

With every season comes a multitude of experiences and emotions. The day in and day out may be brutal, messy, and overwhelmingly hard.

We might not fully enjoy this phase or that one.

The days may drag on and on and on, pass by in slow motion.

Even though it may be hard to see it in those slow, yet chaotic and exasperating moments, the years really do go by in a flash.

There will, in fact, be a time when our hearts ache for this season long gone.

Perhaps that’s why today you’ll stop and consider the wondrous works of God and count your children among them. When you share an unexpected, but precious moment with your child, you’ll savor it just a bit more than before.

Life happens when remember how fast time goes by.

Little Girl, Big Personality

Posted on January 18, 2013 by lifehappenswhen

There’s no denying that my sweet Caroline is, what’s the word I’m looking for? Strong-willed. Opinionated. Loud.

She’s been giving me a run for my money since that midnight ride to the hospital when I thought for sure I was going to have her on the side of the road. Thankfully, we made it to the hospital in the nick of time. Literally. She was born just 15 minutes after they wheeled me into Labor & Delivery.

She entered the world with a bang, and she’s been doing things her way ever since.

Since the beginning, she’s always been just a tad bit difficult. She fussed a lot as an infant, which turned to flat out screaming as she neared her first birthday.

Now, she’s into full blown meltdowns and tantrums over sometimes the tiniest of things.

To be completely honest, she kind of wears me out. And truth be told, she kind of always has.

She knows exactly what she wants, and she’s very vocal about it. She thinks she’s as big as her brother, so she’s constantly into things she’s not supposed to be and doing things that make my heart leap out of my chest.

Oh, she’s sweet, too. Don’t get me wrong. She’s got a very pleasant personality when she wants to show it. She’s as cute as a button, too. There are certainly moments of the day when my heart is flooded with joy because of her very presence.

But, then she starts her screaming again, and I’m just ready to run away from home.

The thing is, I can’t really recall these kind of moments with Lucas. I have vague memories of him wailing and me hauling him up to his room. I remember one instance in particular when I had to leave my full shopping cart in the middle of an aisle at Target because of one of his tantrums.

But, those memories seem sporadic. I don’t recall them being a constant part of our days. Now, he’s a big 4 year old. He’s well-mannered and compliant. He rarely melts down anymore. He knows I mean business.

It’s tough to see him, all quiet and well-behaved, and not automatically compare the two. I’m ashamed to admit that I’ve actually done this.

“Wow! Lucas is SO much easier. He never acted like this. Caroline drives me crazy!”

And then, I feel so guilty about thinking those things, even saying them out loud. Caroline is certainly unique, but that’s a good thing. Who wants a cookie cutter family?

The other night, I was feeling exceptionally guilty about my negative feelings towards my 20 month old daughter. It’s moments like that I’m most grateful for my “secret” blog that I’ve kept for years. I read back through some of my posts from when Lucas was roughly Caroline’s age.

I found this little gem, and I’m so glad I did.

“Today was a pretty terrible day. Lucas and I were in a serious battle of wills. He has really started to try my patience and grate on my nerves. By the end of the day, I want nothing more than to get away from him. He is clingy, yet defiant. He shrieks when he doesn’t get his way. He hurls himself to the ground because I cannot for the life of me figure out what “uh uh uh” means. He yells at me, writhes out of my arms, kicks, and hits. It seems like for every peaceful minute we have where life is grand and we are playing together or cuddling or kissing, there is another minute of screaming and wailing. He is most certainly a toddler and well on his way to those “terrible” twos.

Tonight I was very close to a nervous breakdown. I have actually been proud of the patience I’ve exhibited over the last 19 months. Motherhood has been sheer exhausting, but overall I’ve kept my cool. Oh, I have had my moments, who hasn’t? But day in and day out, I have always been able to see the bigger picture. Today, I couldn’t see past putting Lucas in his crib for the 4th time just because I needed a place to contain his kicking, screaming, and body hurling.”

Hmmm. Now that I mention it, I do remember those days.

Lucas wasn’t as easy as I remember him being.

From 18 months to 3 years old, he tried my patience, tested me, and pushed his limits. It took a long time to train him to be the well-mannered, compliant child he is today.

Clearly, I’ve been a bit harsh on my darling daughter. I doubt there’s anyone who’s met her who would deny her strong-will, but she’s never tried to hit me and she doesn’t kick, either. She’s just very, very, very loud. She’s almost two, and she’s very good at it.

But, her behavior is totally age appropriate.

I’ll never forget the day I gained that perspective with Lucas. He’s behaving this way because he’s supposed to. He doesn’t know any better. It’s my job to train him to behave the right way. It’s my job to set boundaries. It’s his job to test them, push them, see if I mean what I say. It’s my job to stand firm, follow through. Rinse, repeat throughout all of his childhood.

Same story, different kid.

I’ve gained such perspective now that I’m starting to recall all those suppressed memories of Lucas’s toddlerhood. Man, those days were hard.

But, we got through them. We’re peacefully on the other side. He’s a great kid.

Suddenly, I have the courage to stand firm with Caroline. I have a reason to try harder, to follow through. We have a few more rough years ahead of us, but if we stick to it, we’ll one day find ourselves peacefully on the other side with her, too.

I’ve also realized how much I need to embrace Caroline in this moment despite her difficult personality. I find myself so frustrated and exhausted that I can’t always enjoy her. This age is so cute, though. It’s so wonderful. She’s taking in new things left and right. Her vocabulary is growing. Her personality, changing. And she really is very sweet.

She brings SO much joy to our hearts and our home. She’s a little girl with a great big personality. She’s stubborn, defiant, demanding, and incredibly outspoken, but she’s also adorable, funny, and precious beyond words.

When she’s a big 4 year old, I only want to remember our good times together from her toddlerhood. Finally, I have the right attitude to make that happen.

We’re going to have good days and bad days. Let’s face it, we’re going to have good and bad minutes. But, I finally understand that’s it’s how I view the situation that makes all the difference in the world.

Life happens when we change our attitude.

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Right Is Right

Posted on January 17, 2013 by lifehappenswhen

Yesterday, I stumbled across the following post on Facebook, and it really resonated with me.

Source

The more I think about the world we live in, the more disheartened I feel. As a people, we are lost.

We’ve forgotten the importance of kindness, respect, and good manners.

We’ve forgotten the necessity for rules and consequences.

We have become self-centered. We think we’re entitled.

We’re lazy. Irresponsible.

We follow our hearts and our own agendas, and assume we are right.

We threaten to sue at the drop of a hat. We don’t fulfill our obligations. We go back on our promises.

We don’t think anything applies to us.

I have a mother who taught me right from wrong at a very early age. She couldn’t have cared less what my friends were doing. It didn’t bother her that people thought she was strict, overprotective, old-fashioned, and even a little odd.

She didn’t care that I thought she was mean.

By gosh, she made sure I was kind. So kind that she demanded I invite a certain girl to my birthday parties that everyone else in the class ignored. When everyone else refused to sleep near her, my mother made sure I offered to share my sleeping bag with her. All of that with a grin on my face.

That experience is something I think about almost daily, some 20 years later. I assure you I was kind to that girl through gritted teeth as a child, but as an adult, I am flooded with empathy for others because of her.

My mother taught me respect and good manners, mostly by modeling those behaviors herself. It never occurred to her that I should “fit in” with my friends or that I needed to learn how to socialize with them. All that mattered to her was that the adults of the world didn’t mind my presence in a room.

My life was defined by rules. And consequences when those rules were broken. Did I break rules? Of course. But not very often. And never the same rule twice.

I wasn’t allowed to be self-centered. My mother surely slapped the entitlement right off my face, if ever I showed it.

She raised me to take responsibility for myself and my actions. She expected me to get an education and become a productive citizen of the world. She expected me to admit my wrongs and to right them.

My mother taught me to always assume I’m wrong. I’m certain I just heard a collective gasp throughout the Internet. In this day and age, that’s near to child abuse. And you know what? Living life assuming I’m wrong IS hard. It’s hard because everyone else assumes they are right. I’ve been taken advantage of more times than I can count. I’ve been burned by enemies and friends alike.

But, this line of thought creates a person who constantly puts other people first, who tries her best not to offend others, who avoids rifts, and would rather die than hurt someone’s feelings. Is that really such a bad thing?

Somewhere along the way, I realized I was mistaken. My mother wasn’t mean. My mother was smart. What’s worse? She was right.

My mother has amazing follow through. She always fulfills her obligations. She never makes a promise she can’t keep. She’s taught me to do the same by example.

That’s why I’m raising my children the same way she raised me.

That’s why they’re learning respect, kindness, and good manners. That’s why they have strict rules and consequences at such a young age.

I’m not saying I’m perfect. I’m not saying my kids are, either.

But by golly, even in this mixed up, broken world, when it seems like everyone else is doing whatever they want and getting away with it, our little family will do the right thing.

In fact, that’s one of our mottos. Do the right thing.

It certainly isn’t the popular thing to do. It definitely won’t be easy. I’m sure people will think I’m crazy. I know my kids will think I’m mean. That’s okay. There’s very little in life that comes easy. And I know without a shred of doubt that one day in the future, my kids will have the same awakening that I did.

Everyone else might be lazy and irresponsible. They may be rude and selfish. They may assume they are the exception to this rule or that one. They may drop the ball over and over again. But just because they are doing something wrong and somehow getting away with it, doesn’t make it right.

Wrong is wrong, even if everyone is doing it.

Right is right, even if no one is doing it.

Life happens when we do the right thing.

Life Is Messy, But Beautiful

Posted on December 19, 2012 by lifehappenswhen

I can certainly attest to the messiness of life. Over the past three weeks, my kids have tossed the stomach bug back and forth between each other. As soon as we’d get one child healthy and vomit free, the other one would fall ill. Rinse. Repeat.

Over the weekend, as I caught my son’s vomit in my bare hands, I thought to myself, “This is NOT what I signed up for.”

Immediately, I regretted thinking that, especially in light of our nation’s most recent tragedy.

Of course, I’ll catch their vomit. I’ll clean snot from their faces with nary a Kleenex in sight. I’ll wipe their bottoms with a grin on my face, so long as it means I can feel the warmth of their bodies, hear the beating of their hearts, see the life within them.

I’m still working through many different emotions, as I’m sure you are, too. Our nation is reeling, and I doubt we’ll forget anytime soon. Even those of us with hardened, grown-up hearts lost a piece of our innocence on Friday.

I forced myself to look at each precious little life. I studied their smiles and their eyes. I read their stories. I marveled at how alive they looked, even though my heart knew the cold reality.

I held Lucas in my lap and together we watched the tribute song from The Voice. Warm tears slipped from my cheek onto his, and he looked up at me like I was crazy. I squeezed and kissed and smothered him with love.

Caroline made her way over to us and I snatched her up. I kissed every square inch of her face before she wriggled from my grasp and set off again to play.

This tragedy forced me to pause a moment. It reminded me that life is incredibly fragile and far too short. Why not play one more round of “Hi Ho Cherrio?” Why not sing one more song together? Why not rock her a little longer?

But you know what? I’m still going to lose my temper. I’m still going to get frustrated and irritated and mad. In fact, I’ve already done all those things, even in light of all that’s gone on.

That’s life. And life is messy. It’s also tiring and overwhelming.

Our children are going to bicker.

We’re going to argue with our husbands.

We each have joys and triumphs. We each have our own sadness and setbacks. We also have shared moments of both happiness and sorrow.

Sometimes we have to clean up puke or wake up in the middle of the night with a crying child. Sometimes we have to clean up spilled milk or shattered glass. Sometimes we get bruised and broken. Sometimes we have to watch the ones we love get their own battle scars.

Sometimes we crash and burn, both figuratively and literally.

We bleed. We grieve. Our hearts get broken time and time again.

Life is messy.

But, yesterday, I observed my children dancing in the living room to Christmas music. I’d gone upstairs for something and caught a glimpse of them from our overlook. Lucas skipped and shook and wiggled about. Caroline grabbed her Minnie Mouse stuffed animal and twirled around so many times she nearly dizzied herself.

They were moving fast, but it was slow motion through my eyes. I clutched my heart and savored the sweetness of the moment.

Oh my, how life is beautiful.

It’s beautiful when we welcome a baby into the world. When we smell the sweet scent of new life.

It’s beautiful when we laugh until our sides ache with the ones we love.

It’s beautiful when our dreams come true and even more beautiful when we watch a dream come true for someone we love.

When we watch our child sleep. When we stare up at the stars.

When we eat ice cream or do a cannonball into the lake on a warm, summer day.

When we make snow men and angels.

When we pray.

It’s beautiful in big moments like the first day of school or graduation, weddings, and vacations.

It’s beautiful in the small moments like playing soccer in the backyard, building a tower of blocks in the playroom, and reading a story together on the couch.

Too often we forget that our lives are fleeting. We get wrapped up in the messiness.

And you know what? It’s okay.

It’s okay to be overwhelmed by life.

It’s okay to be frustrated when we have to mop vomit from the floor (again).

It’s okay to be stricken by grief.

This may not be the life we “signed up for,” but it’s the only one we have. We must learn to balance the bad alongside the good. We have to make peace with our brokenness.

We must cling to what is good and beautiful while we wade through the mess. We must recognize and savor those moments when life is suddenly in sweet, slow motion. And in those brief moments, we must clutch our hearts, close our eyes, and remember that life is messy, but beautiful. Life is hard, but worth it.

Life happens when we embrace the mess and find the beauty.

Holy Innocents

Posted on December 17, 2012 by lifehappenswhen

I know I promised a giveaway today, but I’m sure you can forgive me for postponing it until later in the week.

My heart is broken as I’m sure yours is, too. The tragedy that occurred in Newtown on Friday is incomprehensible to me.

Source

When I first heard the news, my initial reaction was to shut everything off and shelter myself and my family. I simply cannot bear that much pain, that much emotion. I could not abandon my family to that kind of grief, so I said a prayer, shed some tears, and shut off all forms of media.

The kids and I went about our day. We went with Mike to his company’s annual “Adopt a Child” party where we bestowed gifts on countless children who wouldn’t otherwise get anything for Christmas. I’d be lying if I told you I didn’t think of those innocent children in Newtown, but being with the children of my own town who were in such great need did numb the pain a bit.

During that time, I missed a call from my mom. I called her back and I could hear the deep sorrow in her voice as she picked up the phone. My mother, a schoolteacher, begged me to give Lucas and Caroline hugs and kisses from her. She said the only thing she could think about when she heard the news was her grandchildren. She wished nothing more than to run straight to them and wrap them up in her love.

I assured her they would be covered in love that night and we hung up. I drove my family home from dinner and that’s when I learned the full devastation. I hadn’t realized the number of innocent children murdered was so high. I hadn’t realized that most of them were first graders. I hadn’t realized.

As a former teacher, I wept for the teachers, staff, and administrators who were killed and who were put in harm’s way. And I also wept for all the teachers, everywhere, who must walk into their schools on Monday, forever changed.

As the daughter of a teacher, I wept for my mother, who puts her safety on the line every morning she steps through her school’s doors. I wept for the daughters and sons whose mothers died in this senseless act of brutality.

As the aunt of several grade schoolers, especially two little boys who are in kindergarten, I wept for their innocence and for their sweet souls. I wept for the children who were violently murdered before they even knew evil existed in the world. I wept for the surviving children who’ve lost friends and much of their innocence.

As a mother, especially of a little boy who is not much younger than some of the children who were killed, I wept for the mothers and fathers who woke up on Friday, sent their babies to school, and will never see them alive again.

At first, nothing could stop the weeping and the mourning. My own faith even faltered momentarily. Who DOES this? How did God ALLOW this to happen? Why?

Eventually, I clung to the realization that God did not have a hand in this. And He’s suffering alongside us all. Our world is broken and it always has been. Our only Hope is in the cross. As my wise friend Sarah said:

“At the end of it all, love always triumphs over evil, even when it feels otherwise. Just look at the cross; what makes sense about that? In what universe is a perfect God supposed to experience torture at the hands of his creatures? The only thing that makes sense is that Jesus went through it, understands it, and transformed it.”

It’s moments like these that I’m most humbled by and thankful for my Catholic faith. I know some of you reading are not Catholic, but please stay with me.

Some of my friends encouraged me to read section 309-314 in the Catechism of the Catholic Church entitled “Providence and the scandal of evil.” Immediately, a sense of peace washed over me. God did not will this evil. He does give us free will, though, and He doesn’t stop us from using it.

However, God is powerful, and He will bring something good out of this horrific tragedy. We’ll never fully understand this (or any other sorrows we experience) until we are on the other side, peacefully enveloped in the arms of our Creator.

None of this makes it “better” and none of this takes away the rawness and the pain, but it does grant me some peace.

And then I was reminded of the Holy Innocents. The Catholic Church has a special reverence for the many little boys who were killed during Herod’s reign. We celebrate and remember them on December 28. There is a special prayer for them, as well, that is chillingly relevant for today. I wanted to share it here because it brought me great comfort.

Holy Innocents, you died before you were old enough to know what life means, pray for all children who die young that God may gather them into His loving arms.

Holy Innocents, you were killed because one man was filled with hatred, pray for those who hate that God may touch their hearts and fill them with love.

Holy Innocents, you experienced a violent death, pray for all who are affected by violence that they may find peace and love.

Holy Innocents, your parents grieved for you with deep and lasting sorrow, pray for all parents who have lost young children that God may wrap a warm blanket of comfort around them.

Holy Innocents, those around you certainly felt helpless to prevent your deaths, pray for all who feel helpless in their circumstances that they may cling to God for courage and hope.

Holy Innocents, you who are now in Heaven, pray for all of us that one day we may join you there to bask in God’s love forever.

To the many holy innocents who’ve died, most recently on Friday, I am so very sorry that you were so brutally taken from this world. I’m sorry that you didn’t get to grow up. I’m sorry that evil triumphed and you lost your life because of it.

To the parents, siblings, relatives of all who died on Friday, I don’t even have words to tell you how sorry I am that this happened. It’s unfathomable and it’s unfair. I’m weeping and mourning alongside you, but I know your sorrow is far greater than I could imagine.

To the rest of the world whose hearts are broken, too, I tell you we must carry on. For the children who were taken from this life far too soon and for their grieving loved ones.

We must prevail over this evil. We must force ourselves to believe that there IS good in this world. And we must BE the good in the world for our children and for each other.

We must pick ourselves up and stare evil in the face. We must not falter in our faith. We must continue to pray and believe and love our God. We must shine the light of Christ so that others believe that goodness exists, too.

Above all, we must love. Because love does triumph over evil, even when it doesn’t seem possible.

Life happens when we weep and when we mourn and when we love.

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